Leather Pants Are So 90s
by quirkygirlwithatazer
Summary: Thor isn't the only being that exists outside of myth. Slayer!Darcy, general badassery with a side of snark. Written for the Darcy Lewis Halloween Challenge


**DARCY LEWIS HALLOWEEN CHALLENGE  
****PROMPT 1: **haunted house, fangs, moon

**Pairings: **Steve/Darcy; implied Tony/Pepper, Natasha/Bruce, Clint/Maria Hill, and Jane/Thor

**AN:** Yo, please excuse the crazy. I couldn't stop the words.

* * *

"But seriously, Phil, it'll be fun. I'll make Thor leave Mjolnir at the Tower. You should come."

Darcy had spent the last two weeks convincing Director Fury and Agent Coulson that an Avengers group outing to a nearby corn maze/haunted house was a good idea. Finally, after weeks of begging, bribery and extortion, she'd gotten her harebrained scheme approved.

Agent Coulson shook his head. "Scaring people who are constantly on guard for attack sounds like an excellent idea, Miss Lewis."

"Is that sarcasm I detect, Phil?" Darcy asked, pointing a finger at his face. "Inappropriate." Holding up her hand like a Boy Scout, she said, "I swear that if anything does happen – which it WON'T, but if it does – I will personally fill out all of the paperwork in triplicate."

"I'll hold you to that, Miss Lewis."

Darcy saluted her boss and turned to walk out of the office, ready to meet her friends for their outing. As soon as she stepped out the door, the Scooby Doo theme song started playing on her StarkPhone.

"No. Nope. Not interested. And how did you get this number?" Darcy said in lieu of a greeting.

"Please, D. This is an emergency. Our local girl in your area is busy clearing out a nest upstate. We need you to take this one."

"Blondie, no. I am retired."

"Am I talking to a ghost? Because we both know that the only way you can retire is if you're dead."

Darcy sighed. If she was honest with herself, she missed her old work…occasionally. (Wrangling superheroes tended to make up most of her missed adrenaline rushes.) "Fine, Blondie. But you owe me – big time. When and where?"

As the girl on the other end of the phone gave her a location, Darcy shook her head. Of course the playdate for the Avengers that Darcy had worked so hard to finagle would be work for her.

* * *

Darcy stopped by the SHIELD armory and…appropriated a few things for her field trip. Once the clock hit five, she met Maria, Tasha and Clint in the parking garage. Not a few minutes later, Tony pulled up – in a party bus, no less. (Darcy had at least convinced him that a limo would be too extravagant.) As they piled in, Darcy was surprised to see Pepper looking so casual, in riding boots, jeans and a Henley. Natasha, of course, looked devastating in flannel (which was so not fair) and Tony had even convinced Steve to wear jeans like a modern boy.

Which…DAYUMMM, SON.

Dat ass.

"So, party people…we ready to get lost and get scared?"

* * *

About 45 minutes later (bless Happy and his mad driving skills) Avengers and Co. arrived at the haunted house. Everyone piled out of the bus, and Darcy was the last to get off. Her bag (now loaded down with stakes and holy water) clanked against her leg as she stepped down.

"What exactly is in your bag?" Jane asked.

"Uh…more booze." Darcy quipped, pulling out one of her flasks. It was filled with holy water, but Jane didn't know that.

"Classy." Jane said with a snort.

"Hey, I learned from the best." Darcy shrugged, tilting her head at Tony.

* * *

By the time everyone made it through the maze, the sun had almost sunk into the horizon. Everyone was joking around as the met up at the entrance to the haunted house, but Darcy was quiet as she eyed the ominous red ring around the moon. She shivered more out of fear than chill.

Steve came up and stood next to her. "You cold, Darcy?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her.

Darcy leaned into his embrace. "I'm good now," she said, smiling at him.

She giggled internally as everyone paired off as they entered. Pepper hooked a finger in Tony's belt loop and pulled him in behind her. Natasha put a hand on Bruce's lower back and guided him in. Clint gleefully followed his partner in, yelling, "Hurry it up, sweet cheeks!" to Maria Hill, who rolled her eyes and walked sedately in. Jane and Thor followed them, holding hands.

Darcy and Steve had ended up together by virtue of being the awkward ninth and tenth wheels. But over the past year, it had grown into something slightly more than just friendship. He still hadn't kissed her yet (much to Darcy's chagrin), but things were finally starting to head in that direction.

The group hadn't gotten more than ten steps into the haunted house when Darcy felt a familiar tingle down her spine. She surreptitiously shifted a stake to the small of her back, preparing for an attack. Steve gave her a confused look, but Darcy just pretended to be adjusting her shirt.

The whispers started as an epic cramp hit Darcy, and she doubled over in pain. Great, she thought, my internal PMS warning system is going off. All around them, voices seemingly coming from every direction (including below them) were calling out for the Slayer. As Darcy stood back up, she noticed that knives had appeared in Natasha's hands, and Clint and Maria both had guns out. The team (save Steve, who was making sure she was okay) had automatically grouped in a circle with Jane and Pepper protected in the middle.

"Guys…I thought we promised no weapons." Steve said in his Disappointed Dad voice.

Natasha and Maria both raised an eyebrow eerily in sync as Clint just shrugged.

"What is this Slayer the voices speak of?" Thor asked in a stage whisper.

"An excellent thrash metal band." Tony quipped as he stepped out of the circle to face Thor.

As Pepper opened her mouth to admonish him, the first vampire appeared next to her, baring his fangs. "You look tasty, my little darling," he said in a voice like oil that grated on Darcy's nerves.

Before anyone could react, Darcy whipped the stake out of the small of her back and threw it. Unfortunately, her skills were a little rusty, and her aim was off. So she somersaulted over Clint and threw holy water in the toothy little bastard's face. As he screamed in agony, she fished a second stake out of her bag and finished him off.

The vamp turned to ash, and Darcy quickly stepped away from the decaying body. She knew from experience that the ash was a real bitch to get out of your hair.

"What. The hell. Was that?" Tony asked, pointing at the ground.

A second muscle spasm hit Darcy, and she knew that this rodeo wasn't over yet. "No time to explain," she said, digging in her bag. "Aim for the heart," she instructed as she passed out stakes. Tossing a flask each to Pepper and Jane, she added "That's holy water. It'll slow 'em down long enough for me to stake them. Don't get bitten, and don't be stupid. They're gonna be fast, so watch out."

A woman dressed like a reject from a biker gang appeared in front of them, flanked by two burly men. What is with vamps and leather? Darcy wondered. Dropping her bag by Jane, she pointed to the two men. "Oh, look. Bad guys."

"Hello, Slayer," the woman in leather purred. "I'm going to enjoy draining your body."

"Oh, puh-leese. Like you have a chance." Darcy snarked. "Don't you know leather pants are so 90s?" Her witty one-liner having been delivered, Darcy front-handspringed to her opponent, kicking her in the face with her steel-toed boots. As the other woman staggered back, Darcy quickly staked her, pinning her body to the dirt floor of the haunted house.

Glancing up, she watched a Natasha finished off one of the henchman. The other made a beeline for Darcy. Feeling around her pockets, she only found a simple cross. As she held it out in front of her, he sneered. "Puny Slayer. Do you think your weak faith will save you from me?"

Darcy grinned as she pressed a button on the side of the crucifix and it went up in flames. "No – but my keen fashion sense will!" She pulled hairspray out of another pocket and sprayed it to the flames. While he writhed in pain, Clint tossed Darcy a stake and she finished him off.

The group huddled together next to a (fake) vampire decoration in the haunted house as Darcy dusted vamp ash off of her jeans. "Okay, Miss Thang, explain." Tony said as they all stared at her.

"Well, you see…Thor isn't the only one who exists outside mythology…" Darcy paused as one of the two H's started to overwhelm her already fraught nervous system. "Long story short, those were vampires, I'm a Slayer, and I'd really like a fucking burrito right now. Or maybe five of them."

"Not bad, D. But you should probably work on your aim," said a petite blond woman as she walked into the haunted house. The group automatically went on the defensive at her voice, but Darcy waved at them to back off.

"Oh, it's so good to see you too, Blondie. Where's the rest of the Scoobies?"

"Outside, doing damage control," the blonde said, jerking her head back towards the door.

Steve edged over to Darcy. "Darcy…who is this?" The unspoken and can we trust her? hung in the air between the three.

"Oh, this is Buffy. She's the HBIC of Slayers R Us." Darcy moved closer towards Buffy, trying to resist the urge to stroke Steve's biceps (and other assorted parts) as the second H hit her.

"I guess I owe you a burrito, huh? Only one of the H's hit you after that?" Buffy asked, giving Darcy an odd look.

"Question." Bruce said, raising his hand. "What are the two H's?"

"Horny and hungry. It's the response a Slayer's body has after a kill." Buffy explained.

Before she could stop herself, Darcy pointed at Steve. "I'm gonna climb him like a mother fuckin' tree and then you can buy me food." With a decisive nod of her head, Darcy literally ran and jumped on Steve.

Luckily for her, super-soldier-serum meant enhanced reaction time, so Steve was able to catch her. Darcy shameless wrapped her legs around his waist and ran her fingers through his hair. "Hey soldier," she whispered before roughly kissing him.

For a second, he sat there, motionless, his hands still at the small of her back. Darcy nibbled experimentally on his lower lip and it was like a switch flipped in his brain. Suddenly, he was kissing her back as one hand fisted in her sweater and the other slid up her spine to tangle in her hair.

As far as first kisses went, it was pretty spectacular. It only took a haunted house, vampires, ass-kicking and the promise of burritos to get them there.

However, their spectacular make out session was interrupted - not by Tony's jeers and Clint's wolf whistles, but by the buzzing of Darcy's phone in her back pocket. Steve, shocked into reality, instantly removed his hands from where they had been groping her ass. Luckily, Darcy's still-somewhat-impressive Slayer reflexes kept her from landing in a heap on the ground when Steve let go.

Darcy fluidly stood up from the crouch she had landed in and answered her phone. Coulson's dry monotone killed any lust she had left in her system. "Miss Lewis, I hope you know the appropriate forms for this kind of incident."

"Is this your way of saying 'I told you so?'" Darcy shot back. "And yes, actually, I do."

"Good. I expect them on my desk tomorrow morning – and in triplicate, just like you promised."

As the dial tone reached her ear, Darcy muttered to herself. "Ugh, Coulson. Way to be a boner killer." As she slid the phone in her back pocket, she turned back to Buffy. "So what was that about burritos?"

* * *

**AN: **Bonus points to you if you catch the original (terrible movie version) BtVS reference!


End file.
